Checking In

I haven't been posting lately because I have been really busy (Understatement to anyone whose never been a Maid of Honor). My best friend got married last Sunday and as I was anticipating, and hoping for, I spent the entire weekend with her getting ready. The wedding was beautiful and the Lord blessed me with an almost pain free day. Unfortunately the two days that followed were recovery days and they weren't so great. But, I finished one of my classes today so I am hoping that despite the remaining 22 units on my plate I will have more free time.
So, here's the deal with the doctor stuff. My amazing mom was able to get a hold of all of the imaging I've had done over the last year. This includes all X-rays, ct scans, MRI's ultrasounds, doppler flows, berium tests ect. We have them on a CD in digital view and we've left it with my aunt who works in the medical field. She and some of her colleagues are going to view them and see if they can discover any new anomalies. It's a group of people we trust very much so we are hoping for the best and preparing for well.... nothing I guess since nothing seems to be what everyone sees. I'm off to class. I hope you are all well and may the Lord watch over you and keep your hearts strong. All my love
~Britt

Nameless for Now

I finally heard from the three doctors who are working my case. Apparently the one doctor who I thought was going to pursue a possible answer is now decided to back down. (Again I truly believe there are unfortunate circumstances circumventing his position as my doctor). The surgeon said he saw nothing of significance which to me sounds kind of like a contradiction to what my primary doctor had said three days ago. But my primary consulted with another doctor and they are now agreeing to send me back to a specialist who back in June told me she can't help me. They both also agree that I should get a second opinion from someone in the same specialty. As I run my hands agitatedly over my face, I'm not sure what to do other than pray. I'm growing increasingly nervous because my weight is dropping and my symptoms are getting worse. 
Yesterday was a particularly bad day, but just an example of how I live. Waking up with the shivers and severe nausea is anticipated so much that I hide a big bowl in my room so I don't have to run to a bathroom to become ill. I'm finding now that one of my biggest frustrations is the lack of consistency I can give to people. When I say I'm going to be somewhere, I used to always follow through. Now I am beginning to realize that I can't be that person all the time with this illness. I don't like that, but it does give me time to reflect on God and what he's doing with my life. I appreciate those times. I just also wish I could be the friend and person I was. Well, that's not realistic because the Lord is growing me in so many ways. But I look forward to the day when I can actually share what's happening in my life in person or meet with good people for coffee as normal people usually do :

If you could please pray for my aunts and uncles, my uncle Jimmy is dying of throat cancer. We just found out and we're not sure how long he has. My aunt is with him caring for him and I just pray for her strength and courage in caring for her brother. That he feels how much we love him and how God loves him through her.

Thanks all
Britt

MRI Results

I am very thankful that I am not claustrophobic because my MRI took two hours to perform. It was the strangest test I've had done so far. The Lord was good to me and brought me so much peace that day. I knew in my heart that this was the final step in finding what was wrong. Today, one of my doctors called with the preliminary results. He couldn't tell me much over the phone and he asked me to call a surgeon. However, he was able to give me some information. Apparently the MRI did show that the tissue in my stomach is much thinner on the lower right side compared to my left side. This can result in either a perforation or an ulcer. It does explain my pain levels, why activity makes it worse, why I have no appetite, my nausea, and other serious symptoms. He didn't say what caused it or what we are going to do to fix it, but suggested I call my surgeon right away. (Which I've done and waiting to hear from him now)


This may not seem like it, but this is an amazing development for me and my family. It is something to work with and I would just like to say that I think it is amazing that I got this call today. January 17, 2010 exactly one year from the day the pain began. Exactly one year and one week from the night I prayed for a year that would bring me closer to God. I may be reading into this, but I do not think this is a coincidence. The Lord has to good of a sense of humor for that. 


I don't know what is going to happen next, so please keep in your prayers that my surgeon knows what to do with this new piece of information. 


Also I would just like to thank you for your prayers for my family in our grieving process. Yesterday made it a month since my beloved Grandma passed away. Yesterday we took her ashes to the beach and let her out into the morning current. It was a beautiful day and the Lord keep the rain at bay until we were able to pray and watch the sun rise. It was the strangest feeling for me as I felt like I was getting a piece of closure, but I also couldn't really say goodbye. I'm not sure if it is because I know I'll see her again or I am being selfish by not wanting to await the day. But I feel like she's still very much apart of my life.


My mother is still in particular really struggling with this loss. Please pray for her because as she is my best friend, so was my Grandma to her. As much as I hurt, I cannot imagine the pain my mom feels. I see it in her eyes every day. So please pray for her endurance and for the comfort of the Lord to wash over her. 
Blessings to you all
Britt

Christmas Eve

I hope that everyone had a fantastic Christmas. It was such a beautiful day and time to spend with family. I am writing because I spent Christmas eve at the doctor's office and wanted to update everyone on what they tested me for and what wasn't found.

The first test was for a condition known as Mechels. They injected me with radioactive isotopes to make my insides glow on the Xray screen. Then I laid on my back for a half hour while they took time lapse photos. This was very uncomfortable as I was lying in between two slides that were rather close and I couldn't move. But, they didn't find anything obvious and are now looking over the slides with the surgeon and radiologist. I was surprised the doctor told me he didn't see anything because normally they don't say a word. That was very encouraging.

The second test was the most uncomfortable because it was also timelapse so I had to drink 2 full cups of solution called Berium, which is increadably thick and very heavy. What was sort of neat is that they have an xray camera sitting above you as you drink it and a monitor at your side so you can see what the doctors see. Once the solution settles all the way down your stomach they can see your entire tract. They took an xray every fifteen minutes until it reached the end. Thank God for me that only took two hours, although they said most take four. At the end of this test, they didn't tell me what they did or didn't see. So I'm waiting to hear from them. That is all for now. Thanks for reading and I'll update this as soon as they call me with results. God bless you and keep you all.
Britt

More than Just Me

Last night was a hard night like many I've had in the past. With the semester moving behind me, my body's crashing and becoming ill in more ways that the norm. But in the midst of all these heath issues, there is more the Lord is trying to teach me. And even though I am the one who prayed for a bad year, as always this lessen is more than just for me.

On Wednesday afternoon, someone who understands me better that most died from complications that have yet to be clarifies. Her name is Kate Bucknall and she's my grandma. I know you read that she's a grandma and at first your mind thinks well that's kind of normal. Well its not because this extraordinary woman was only 61 years old and in seemingly perfect health. So to say this was a shock is an understatement. 
Grandma Kay is a strong woman who has been through just about everything you can imagine. Perhaps that's why she was so good at holding everyone together. She's seen it all and knew almost everything I would wager. And she would be there for you even if she'd only known you for a day. Her heart was big enough for everyone.
She's so smart, so funny, patient, hard working, loving, gentle, stern and balanced that the next time you read Proverbs 31, picture this woman.

Upon looking in the mirror, I thank God that I have her genes. She too is a writer and even went to the Master's College which is now where I attend. I'm named after her, my middle name being Katharine. I have her dark brown thick curly hair and the same petite little frame. I even tilt my head the  same way in photos. Now the next step is to make my heart as much like hers as possible. 
So what is the Lord trying to teach me by taking this amazing woman away? I have no idea yet. I miss her so badly that there is no words in our language to describe it. I am writing this with the full intentions of updating it as I discover what this loss is supposed to mean. As for now, all I can do is love her; just as I loved her two weeks ago when we had coffee together. I love you Grandma.

Third Surgeon Consult

What is happening now...
Today I saw a surgeon and for the third time it sounds like I am not going to qualify for exploratory surgery. Because all of my labs are normal, this is pretty much one of the few other options I have remaining to discover what is wrong with me. The Surgeon was very kind, but his exact words were, "well you just aren't behaving normally to fit any criteria for a case." Meaning I have no idea what is wrong with you.

He ordered a couple more tests, which I have already done. But I will do them again because it is what he asked of me. One of which includes a timelaps Xray, which they have not done for me yet.The part that worries me is that he seemed to be grabbing at straws. The conditions he suggested were things that few people, less than 2% of the population have, and they didn't seem to fit my symptoms at all. It is difficult to leave feeling confident in the doctor when they are proposing ideas that are slim to no chance of being correct speculations. Especially when he was taking only specific symptoms into consideration and leaving out all the rest. I may be wrong in thinking this, but I would assume that all my symptoms are just as important as another. But he is certainly the doctor.


The next big day to be praying for is January 9th when I will be getting a long awaited MRI that will hopefully show the damaged or torn muscle that is causing all of this craziness. So please direct all of your prayers to that day and I will be sure to let you know what happens and what they find. Thanks to all of you once again for being a part of this. I cannot tell you how helpful and encouraging it is.
~Britt

~Where it all Began~

First I want to make it clear that I know what is happening in my life is directly from the Lord. Back in January, a week before my affliction, Ron Merrel challenged the college group to pray for a year of trials in order to grow closer to the Lord. That is what I have done, and that is exactly what is happening with each day. I am seeing how the Lord is working in my life. He is showing me what it means to have true faith and to not become angry. He is humbling me by showing me my own mortality. He is allowing me to minister to unsaved members of my family, lest I believe he is. Only God knows! But that's okay. I don't need to know. So here is my story with a little more detail.
Back in January of 2009 the first Sunday in College group we received a challenge from our guest pastor to pray for a 'bad year' if it would allow us to grow in ways that wouldn't occur during a 'good year'. I woke up a week later with a pain that was so strong it sent my body into shock. Here is all I can remember:

I was lying in the bathroom crying thinking I was going to vomit from the pain. My mother heard me tried to comfort me while she remained calm and tried to decide what to do. Everything else disappears and I've been told that while lying on the cold floor, I was screaming at the top of my lungs and holding my stomach. I wasn't responding to anyone, just crying in pain.
The next thing I can remember is four firement carrying me out to my couch and then onto a gurney to put me in the ambulance. My dad road in the ambulance with me. The smell of an oxygen mask is perhaps the most frightening smell you will ever experience. It's invasive, cold, and sterile when it is pulled through your nostrils. Lots of questions were asked, but I was staring out the back window at the tree tops I could see going by as if they were moving backwards. Shock.
At the hospital, I received and IV and immediate pain reliver of some kind. It was here that all the tests began. Xrays, blood, urine, poking, pushing, looking and finding a possible explanation that brough my world spinning out of control for having to face memories I had forgotten for the last four years of my joyous life.
As it turns out, the diagnoses was the wrong one. With the initial diagnosis completely solved, my pain remained and it continued to grow worse as the months progressed.
Only recently have I started taking pain medication because it seemed as though each week that I tried acting like a normal person without something to ease the pain, I ended up in either the urgent care or ER. At 21, I know which veins are the best for an IV and that my veins are so small that they can't push more than 2 psi at a time or it will burst my vessels. I know that demeral makes me itch and I know that it takes four hospital blankets to stay warm. I know not to wear long sleeves because it makes your blood pressure readings wrong and bring slippers because the doctors will get you out of bed and put you back multiple times. And every time they put that needle in my arm I want to cry.
Writing this is extremely hard for me. I am sure that reading it is difficult as well. But for the first time in this whole experience, I feel like I am being honest with you. I smile a lot because I don't want to tell the people I love that I feel like death walking. A huge portion of that is the Lord blessing me with an inate joy that never really goes away. But there are plenty of times when the sorrow is suffocating. That is because each day there is one of two possibilities in the medical world. A.) we try testing for something else B.) the new specialist has no idea what to do with me and begins sending me back to people who can't help me.
It is definitely a game of endurance. Currently, I am just tired and trying to stay ontop of maintaining a seminormal life. I'm a senior desperately trying to graduate with my class. I am a child desperately trying not to make her parents suffer with a sick child. I am a sister trying to be strong for my siblings. I am a girlfriend trying to be fun with my friends. I am a best friend trying to help plan a wedding. I am a child of God seeking to bring him glory in all that I do.